29 December 2007

Much of the time I feel like we never quite make up for the wrong we do. That’s why we all need, and by Grace attain, fullness outside the self. I’ve been looking for it in the wrong places: in the fleeting fulfillment of my own perceived needs and desires, and not in the palpable, sustaining Spirit that I used to see through the people I loved that left me so much in awe.

Those needs and desires are real, of course, and to dismiss them altogether is to set any hoped-for transformation up for failure. I still have fears, concerns, insecurities, hurts, and Things I Want to Talk About. But as long as I’m trying to be a little less self-involved, I’ll skip those: They’ll wait for me, or disappear.

In speaking with MKM over lunch last week, she suggested that I try letting go and stop grasping at imaginary threads of control. Now, equanimity has never been my strength. A part of me yearns always to act, to change, to be just a little better, until I claw my way to happiness—but so far it’s mostly just given me bloody knuckles.

I need to give up on earning impossible redemption and throw myself at the feet of Grace. I am in no position to ask forgiveness from anyone. All there is left is the openness of surrender.

I miss the honesty and fire that submission gave me. I miss being humbled by the simple goodness of people. I miss offering my gratitude in the guise of generosity. I want to be subject to people again. I want that to be my prime delight. Acceptance—of responsibility, of circumstances, of my own smallness—is the only way I see to exist geniunely.

This is a lesson I need every once in a while. How to make it stick?

Reposted from the old site: Friday, July 29th, 2005


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